wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
