My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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