I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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