Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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