If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
