tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Two words: blizzard sex
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
