I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
