i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
