i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
