I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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