i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
