I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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