God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
