My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
