my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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