just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
