I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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