made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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