The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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