Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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