70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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