What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
