Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
