I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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