she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
