can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
