he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i love accidental penises.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
