took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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