he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
