Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
is it fun? or sober?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
