If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
