Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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