i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
