Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
