he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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