Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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