I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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