What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
