dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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