ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
