Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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