So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
