When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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