i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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