my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
