I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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