its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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