my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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