I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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