all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
